It's New Years. I Make Lists.

I love New Years. In fact, as I get older, I think I love New Years almost more than Christmas. I love optimism. I am an incurable optimist, and I always think something great is coming. Like, you know, some people look at the world and see that the glass is half empty. Others see the glass is half full. I’m one of those people who look at the glass and goes, “Okay, everybody get ready, because this thing is about to fill up, and I don’t want to miss it.” Sometimes, this is a good thing. Sometimes, not so much. But usually, even when it does nothing else, it reminds me that I am okay, even when nothing else is.

Example: This year, I began my first year of University after a five-year absence where something happened and it took a long time for me to recover from it. But I felt like I was ready, and more importantly, I felt like I was tired of being an uneducated smart person. Unfortunately, I failed to take into account that A) the last time I was in post-secondary education, it was college, and B) Distance education is complicated. At least three times this year, I wanted to quit. I loved it for the first three months, and after that, I felt like I hated everything about it.

I’m still in school. Presently, I don’t know if I should be. But I am, because it was something that was taken from me, and that is unfair. Also because people make a big deal about my being smart, when really, they’re just amazed I can hold a normal conversation, and dammit, if that many people are going to call me smart, I am going to make sure they’re doing it on MY terms. It is a new year, and I will continue doing all the things I did this year: I will work hard to write every day, and I will read every day. Those are the most important things. But there are a few other things which fell by the wayside, and I’d like to change that. So here goes:

1.    I will post more often, because writing every day is no fun when no one’s reading it.
2.    I will keep my house clean and stop eating like a student. Not only have I gained a lot of weight, thanks to the constant stress eating and being too lazy to cook food, which, by the way, has NEVER happened to me, but I’ve been sicker this year than ever before, and this is coming from someone who is never altogether healthy.
3.    I have always taken pride in the fact that I enjoy food without being overindulgent, and I’ve always been good about money in the same way. I have no problem spending money on things just because I want them (see: multiple trips to England), but I don’t need to leave the house with money in my pocket in case there is something I want. Stress, however, has the unique and horrible side effect of massively lowering my impulse control. I’ve been through some rough roads with depression before, but this is just ongoing stress and struggle. So I buy things I don’t need or want, hoping they will cheer me up. They don’t. I must stop doing that.

Basically, I just want to get back to Ally before Ally was a student again, and still be Ally The Student, because another thing about distance education? You think it’s going to take you next to no time, because you can customize it. But it is complicated and often takes more time than regular schooling, and I cannot live like this for four or five years.

I am taking up the Goodreads challenge again, because it was a lot of fun last year, and helped me to read more. I am also writing more, and in fact, I have a little announcement, more on that later. But another thing I have been doing while being stressed is I have been noticing that the crazy goes a bit deeper than I realized, which, of course, is to be expected and is still a surprise. But. To combat the crazy and the self-loathing that goes with it, I promise every day to do something I am proud of. This year, in fact, right now, I am doing something I always wanted to do and becoming a child sponsor. I chose the Because I Am A Girl program with Plan Canada for 3 reasons:
1.    I’m a feminist, duh.
2.    It’s not an organization which promotes religion as the answer to feeding starving children, so there’s no conversion going on here. That’s important for many reasons, firstly, I don’t think a person should have to give up the faith they may have acquired to pull them through the hardships, in order for it to, uh, not be so hard. Secondly, I’m not Christian, so I don’t like the idea of my money going to spread ideas I don’t believe myself.
3.    I like that I can direct my funding to the countries and communities with issues that matter to me. I am currently sponsoring a little girl in the Togolese Republic, where the foundation works to provide infant and mother care, education for young girls, and bringing women’s political issues to the forefront. I was a preemie baby who struggled to attend regular schooling and now, occasionally, writes about social justice. It’s a no-brainer, really.

There are of course, other reasons, but those are the main reasons. So today, I will be doing that. Dunno what will make me proud tomorrow. Maybe I’ll perfect my ham sandwich or something. (Trust me, if you’ve seen me in the kitchen, you would understand the achievement.)

Now, I must head off. I have to read Joseph Conrad for an English class, and something on sexuality for my Health class.

Oh, while we’re on the subject, can we talk about sexual education? Firstly, I don’t know how it is for anyone else, but our sexual education classes in high school always went with our phys ed classes. So for those of us who didn’t take phys ed, we missed out on all that. Talk about desexualizing the disabled.

Seriously, someone talk about that, because I’m ace, and I can’t.

Also, an asexual taking sex ed must be the world’s most annoying student. I actually considered briefly writing an email to my instructor explaining that I was having a hard time with a textbook that described lack of interest in sex among females as a serious health problem, similar to impotency in males. I am not stupid, and I understand that some people with a lack of a sex drive have serious health issues, but THESE ARE NOT THE SAME THING!

I have not written the email. What do you think?

Still Here. Alive and Kicking. And Screaming (a lot of screaming)

*Sigh* I so wanted to be out of First Draft Hell by now. See, it’s been almost a year since I started this blog, and I thought I knew how long this particular first draft was going to be, and woo, I was wrong. This thing just keeps going and going. The fact that I know it’s crap and will have to be torn down and rewritten is highly disheartening, but the real problem is that I have to finish it before I can do that. Bleh. Curse curse curse! (I’m practicing not swearing. See?) I feel pretty bummed that it’s been a year and I don’t even have a good enough first draft yet. But, unlike when I began rewriting Hannah, it’s not because the words won’t come out, or I’m way overconfident about my ability to finish, or nervous about my ability to tell the story. I have been writing more regularly than I have in years, and it feels as amazing as it always does. But I’ve also got a lot more going on in my life than I think even I realized. Since it’s the anniversary of this blog, and I started this blog so that I could share my adventures in actually getting off my ass and getting a life, I thought I’d share. Lots of things cooking, and very exciting!

Firstly, of course, I’m still working on my Vampires. I had an idea that I assumed would take a certain number of words. And I did something I have never done before, I mean ever. I underestimated myself. No seriously, I grossly overestimate myself, generally speaking. Societal pressure meets disability culture, I am a victim of too many low expectations (blah blah blah). So usually I make some ridiculous proclamation like say, “I am going to win a Pulitzer by age 35” (not an actual proclamation). Or, oh, “I’m going to write a book in six months.” (Yes. I did say that.) This time, I made a fairly reasonable proclamation, “When I write this first draft, it’s probably going to be about 120,000 words.” And. Well, I’m not quite at 120,000 words yet. Because about a week ago I got completely freaked out, because I was nearing 100,000 words and holy god I had so far to go! Which led me to two conclusions, the first and most obvious being wow my first drafts suck, and the second being that I would of course, need to do some massive restructuring to the pacing of the story that I absolutely could not do within this draft. Which meant that I would have to finish the horrible ugly and very long draft, and then proceed to not use it. Which led me to my only logical recourse, which was basically to not look at the file for about a week.

I was not hiding under the bed. In the first place, my bed is occupied by several boxes of stuff, the primary purpose of which is to keep the dogs from taking things from around the house and hiding them under there to be destroyed later. Also, I was very, very busy with lots of other things, so technically still writing, so. Myeh. Okay, I was hiding under the bed, a bit. I’m sorry. But I actually do have a lot more work than I thought I would, because in addition to this blog, and the book, I’m working on a couple other personal projects. Namely, of course, is the actual day job, which has been, in the last few months, much more demanding than I’m used to, but is about to slow down considerably, which is nice, because more importantly, I am finally and in earnest pursuing post-secondary education.

So remember a few months ago when I had mentioned the young woman who, after reporting instances of child abuse in the special education class she was TA-ing, was fired pending an investigation of whether her autism would interfere with her teaching abilities? And how I said that when I had a moment, I would rant about it? And then I didn’t? There’s a reason for that. It’s something that goes beyond laziness, and something that I am, eventually going to have to share, but I can’t now. The fact is, the whole thing is just, well, triggering, for me. I sat down to tell my own story about my own college experience and the discrimination therein, and burst into tears all three times I tried. It’s embarrassing, not because it’s not horrible, but because it is common, and because of how naive and unprepared for it I was, and how traumatic I can still find it, six years later. The short version is that I too, after working for years towards the education and eventual career path I most desired, after years of being told that, in spite everything, I was smart, and that would make all the difference, I learned that wasn’t strictly true. And then I also had to put aside my dreams of college education, and for years, it was so upsetting to me that I could not entertain the idea of going back, nor did I particularly want to do something just for the ‘experience’ of college.

But about a year ago, I had a health scare. Not a major one, but a little one that made me think a lot about my body, and my life, and my role in it, and I began to think about my life in terms of the next three years, instead of ten years or twenty from now, and I saw that what I wanted and what I had were miles from each other, and the first step to everything seemed to be getting off public assistance and supporting myself. Since I tried college, and the hands-on approach didn’t do it for me, I looked into distance education for the first time, which is where I found Athabasca. So now I’m a full-time English/History student. I don’t know for sure, really, what it will do for me, if it’ll get me off the system. But it will make me a better writer, and come hell or high water or whatever else, that is what I will be doing. So I have hope. It’s also not nearly as traumatic.

In addition, I also seem to be embroiled in someone else’s project. My friend Paul has dreams of dominating the world via video games, or some such thing, and has asked me to assist him in the writing. I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m not a gamer by any stretch (bad hand-eye coordination keeps you away from that sort of thing, y’know). But as he keeps asking for input and I keep writing, and we keep talking about it, it looks like one of those things I may actually wind up doing, which is pretty cool. Always like taking on new things.

I feel bad, because I’m not very good at this whole blogging thing yet, I’m still at the stage where I have a hard time downshifting from talking about the stuff I want to talk about to telling the story. Not because I don’t want to tell the story, or because I don’t want to talk, but because once I start telling the story, I feel guilty if I am not eating and sleeping and breathing it as well. I’m improving from this kind of neurosis, but there could definitely be further improvement. So, I promise this year to… I promise to write more entries than I did last year. Let’s just leave it at that.

Also, I may share some of my actual writing that is not just me talking about myself. Ulp.

Maybe.

Couple other small changes to the blog that I will hopefully actually stick to:

-I am also taking part in Inkygirl’s 500 word-a-day challenge. Which I have been doing swimmingly at except for two weeks, the first of which I had the flu and the second… yeah. Hiding under the bed. You should check it out if you’re a writer, want to be a writer, or just missing Nanowrimo at the moment. You can even do 250 words a day. Seriously, that’s like 15 minutes of writing a day or something equally ridiculous. A monkey with a typewriter could do that. On its own, even, without its fifty friends or Shakespeare.

-I am also doing Script Frenzy, in spite of, nay, because of having failed every single year I do it. I may actually have time to blog in the process of that. If not, I’ll probably regularly on the boards, and I need a lot of hand-holding. You should join in.

-I am taking part in the Goodreads reading challenge for 2011. My magic number is 35. You should also do it, if you are a reader, or add me to your friends list if you’re already doing it. Seriously. I don’t have enough friends who read. My friend, she owns the bookstore in town, and she laments every day, “Why did I open a bookstore in a town that doesn’t read?”

- After reading a series of disgusting articles in which we examine the fact that although more women read more books than men, and this planet is about 50% women, yet the books being published that were written by women are around 33%, and the books being reviewed that are by women are somewhere around roughly 20%, I got a little peeved. And after reading the explanation from publishing journals and popular book reviewers that, “Women just aren’t writing the kind of things we review,” I got a little ragey. But rather than go on a full-on rant, I have decided to be a bit more productive than usual about this whole thing. In conjunction with my reading a lot this year, I have decided to review the books I’m reading, but only if they were written by women. Which means some of the books I’m reading will probably be older books that have been reviewed ages ago, in which case, sorry. Books are expensive. If it weren’t for ebooks and audiobooks, I would be even less well-read than I am now, and I’m not anywhere near as well read as I would like to be. Have I mentioned I love Audible? They’re not even paying me to say that, but I do. I should also warn you I do not yet have any sort of college degree, so my reviewing will consist of a lot of squee, omg you have got to read this!!!!, and a lot of despair. (Why am I not as good as this?!) And possibly some headdesking. (Omg how does this stuff even get published erlack?). For more constructive criticism, you may have to wait til something pisses me off. Sorry.

I think that’s pretty much it. If I could squeeze anything else in there, I probably would, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I’m travelling this year, even. *sadface* Meanwhile, I would like to thank this blog for being an awesome place to dump things that bug me and things I like, and how tortured I am. And, if I have any regular readers at all, seriously, thank you for spending an entire year not thinking I’m horrible, and maybe occasionally thinking I’m pretty awesome. I shall do my level best to not let you down over the next twelve months!

Also, is it completely ridiculous that I find this awesome?

We Interrupt Your Regular Scheduled Novelling...

Sorry I've been AWOL. Nano and Vampires have been keeping me hopping. This isn't a real post, I just wanted everyone I know to see something. My beloved Jenny, who is the sweetest thing in the world, was outraged today, which doesn't happen often. This is why:

You are about to get very angry.

I commented. You should too. Sounds like this poor woman needs some support. Possible when I have ten minutes of not-required writing time, I may rage about this later. For now, she says it a lot better than I ever could. I applaud her bravery. And that's not a word I throw around a lot, to be honest.

Back to the grindstone!

Ally Does Product Placement

I'm not getting paid for this, so you know.

Now that that's safely behind me, I can tell you I had a birthday recently. I'm twenty-six now. Yikes. One of my gifts was the Kamenstein salt & pepper grinder. Now, I'm not a home decor kind of person, when it comes to gifts. More a music, DVD, video games and books kind of gal. But I have to tell you, I'm a bit of a sucker for kitchen gadgets. As a clumsy, absent-minded, easily distracted person with no hand-eye coordination who also loves food, kitchen gadgets are awesome to me. Have a sung any love songs about my Magic Bullet yet? Seriously, guys, I know the infomercials are annoying as all hell, but they work! And my Tea Master? Oh, how do I love my Tea Master. No more leaves!

I love fresh ground pepper. I will not eat pepper, if it is not fresh ground pepper. And that kind of sucks, when you have dexterity issues. I grind the pepper, and if the grinder is of the small and cheap variety, it still takes me a few minutes, and most of the pepper winds up on my hands. I have allergies. Or on the floor, where it waits until my mother comes in to vacuum that week. If it's the big expensive kind, it's unwieldy, and too heavy for me to turn properly at all, all the pepper goes into one spot, if it even comes out. This Kamenstein grinder is amazing. It comes apart in two pieces if I need it to, it closes up on its own, and I can put it back together easily, even with my bad hands, and it will stay where I put it. Its little squeeze handle thing is way easier for my stupid hand than the typical grinder. For people for whom strength is the issue, not so much dexterity, I tried the squeeze handle with my weak hand, and the spices still came out. They were a bit less fine than with my strong hand, but it worked. The only tricky part is refilling it, which involves screwing things off and slotting things back in place, and some extra time and dexterity. But even the little plastic thing you have to slot back in place is made of soft plastic that is flexible, not hard and unforgiving plastic you have to get just right. Honestly, it's the least pain-in-the-ass grinder I've ever used, seeing as I'll only be refilling it once every couple months. I love it. I love it so much, I am sending a letter to the company.

I always have to be careful with this kind of thing, being of the more 'mild' disabilities. I know your results are obviously going to vary, depending on your individual physical situation. And I know this is a bit of a departure from the usual stuff in this blog, but I feel like something so disability-friendly should get a nod, so do check it out if you're picky like me and need your fresh ground pepper. And feel free, in the comments, to fill me in on the most user-friendly kitchen gadgets you've found.

Thanks for indulging me.

One Month! (a post of lists both formal and informal)

One month blog-o-versary. Wow. I've actually never been able to maintain a blog. Deeply impressive. And, because I'm all about learning new things, I have put together a list of, in no particular order, the things I have learned this month. Because I'm a huge dork.

1. I am going to HAVE to get some kind of schedule down, or I am never going to get this done. Because what I'm doing now? So not working.
2. People seem to like me better when I'm angry. Whoda thunk it?
3. I may not reach my deadline.
4. I have not yet made peace with that.
5. I have really awesome friends and family, who totally think I'm a famous writer right now. Your epic support and/or editing skills, and/or willingness to put up with my ego as it waxes and wanes has not gone unnoticed. Love you all. I will do my best to make it easier to support me, to the completion of the project, so none of us go totally insane.
6. I have really crappy negative friends, also, who couldn't care less about what I'm doing, don't want to hear about it, don't want to know about it, and don't take the time to listen when I'm talking, let alone read when I'm writing. You can pretty much fuck off. I don't ask for fawning praise or recognition, and I don't ask that you make this project a part of your life just because it's a part of mine. I do expect that if you genuinely want no part in it, that you will understand that that is hurtful, and also that means cutting you out of a substantially large part of my life. It's not my responsibility to make up for that missing space, time, or interest. It's yours.
7. There are total strangers who do, actually, care about what I think. Very cool!
8. You can talk and talk and talk, and still, some people won't get it.
9. There's a lot more to this racket than I thought there was.
10. Not commenting on people's blogs is really, really rude. And I promise never to do it again.
11. I am capable of a level of venom I never thought possible before. Oh, to grow as an artist. (Thanks again, Amanda.)
12. I am also capable of much more than I thought I was
13. Still got a long way to go, though.
14. Write Or Die works for Nano. But I really need to stop using it.
15. For some reason I will never understand, Googledocs hates contractions. wtf Google?

Lookit how smart I am becoming! Even have plans for like, the next six blog posts! For those of you who like to be warned, incoming blogs may include:
my vulnerable self-esteem
the elitism of the literary world
the previously mentioned post on positive thinking
a possibly, a follow-up to the Mary-Sue post, currently titled, in my head, The Dreaded Twilight Post I Really Don't Want To Write.
and a particular charming one where I attempt to write a scene which incorporates sexual aggression, drunkenness, and violence. Three things I have absolutely zero experience on.
And more! *cue cheesy theme music* (Hm. What kind of theme music? I wonder). Also, watch me juggle Script Frenzy and play catch-up with Hannah.

(Also, please cross fingers for me.)

And because I believe in sharing, have some awesome:
Asexy bingo card - I don't spend a lot of time on the AVEN boards, but this gave me a laugh. Count how many you've gotten, and hope the prize is NEVER HAVING TO HEAR IT AGAIN! (I counted 22.)
Hir - I use 'zir' as my gender-neutral pronoun of choice, as I'm sure you've noticed. This will still make you cry. I am not being dramatic here. Bring tissues and be prepared to hit 'replay' at least four times.
101 Reasons To Stop Writing - Despite the demoralizing intent of the content, it makes me laugh. Particularly the Demotivational posters. Also, there's a really good snark piece on the Polanski rape-apologist nonsense, if you can stomach being snarky about it yet.
BookByYou - Okay, so I know the writing is probably abysmal, but whoever came up with this idea is a freaking genius, and probably raking it in. Don't judge me. Like you never read Choose Your Own Adventure as a kid. For those of you interested, they're also coming out with same-sex romance novels within the next year. (credit for this knowledge goes to my dear love, who wrote to ask if they would, only to be told they were already working on it, but the current crop of mystery novels could serve in a pinch.)

That's pretty much it! Next month, hopefully I will finish a full draft. Thanks to everyone still following along. And if you're a lurker, it would be awesome if you de-lurked sometime next month. Watch this space!